February 06, 8th Issue: Humour Avenue

Laser Show turns into Disaster
Millions Dead
It was a clear and calm evening, like any other, in the quiet town of Kharagpur. The TOAT was filled with unsuspecting spectators, eagerly anticipating a scintillating Laser Show. Nary a soul would have thought that it would be the last laser show they will ever see. For, tragedy struck, the very lasers which they came to see perfom perfectly harmless tricks went wild and spread death and destruction in the KGP junta.

In a tragedy of colossal proportions, a laser show organized as a part of the inaugural ceremony of Kshitij 2006 (Horizon and Beyond….) ended in a massive loss of human life and hope. The offending Laser Show, billed as the big cheese of Ktj, was a total disaster. Even as this report is being written, parts of bodies of innocent viewers and bystanders which have been cut up by the run away laser beans are being matched with their owners.

The event began on expected lines. M. Sorcar went from one boring sentence to another with practiced ease. The audience groaned in a cultivated show of patience and polish. Testing the limits of hospitality, M. Sorcar frequently switched from English to Bong, and this too was tolerated by the ever gracious junta. And then the mayhem started. The lights in the open auditorium were dimmed in a dramatic fashion. Audience’ expectations leaped high. There were a few moments of tense silence. Has the light’s man forgotten something? Has the power been cut? These could be the questions which might have run through the young and inquizitive minds of the fachhas and fachhis. However, the audience collectively sighed in relief when the emerald green laser beam struck the purdah that has been hung. Weird patterns emerged. And it went on for quite some time. Then the show, which, according to a hapless soul caught in the ensuing melee, looked much like a very crude PowerPoint presentation in monochrome, jumped haphazardly across time lines and encompassed the entire, hoary Indian history in roughly five and a half minutes and in an equal number of stunningly mediocre visuals. “I am quite lucky I made for the exit when I caught the drift of the events,” said Asambhav Kumar, frantically searching for the piece of his ear which is the only part to have been separated from him. Others were not so lucky. Yours lovingly had his gizzards neatly severed from his person. Dhawansaab, on whose express recommendation yours lovingly attended the show, had his beak cleanly clipped. Such horror tales abound.

“The laser beams just went wild, leaping from seat to seat, goring the hapless humans in their way,” a visibly shaken second year bandi said dramatically, and rather impressively, I must say, with her hands covering her ears and all that. She then proceeded to faint from an imagined horror.

“Precisely what went wrong is hard to pin down right now,” the Director of Public Safety and Hygiene said, adding, “we will get to the root of the matter very soon and provide you with a convincing reason. Trust our department on that.”

According to eye witnesses, immediately after recounting Indian history, complete with a very poor and incomplete rendition of the national anthem, a snapping sound was heard, something like an untamed King Kong breaking free of its bondages, and the first anguished death cry was heard from the first seat in the central aisle. Visibility reduced to near zero because of the thick smoke that had been introduced as a part of the special effects. Soon people were dropping dead like fleas and before one can say ‘what the…’ everything was over. The damage has been done.

Injuries range from insulted intelligence, affronted dignity, great expectaions let down, this is not what I expected and whatta show, hooeey! This blatant attempt to seriously under entertain the KGP junta has been widely condemned by leaders cutting across party lines and from all over the political spectrum. The honorable minister of SF with additional charge now of Kshitij, will visit the venue of massacre tomorrow.

The Director of Intelligence and of this Institute did not rule out the possibility of involvement of the Foreign Hand. The genius that conceived of this idea of laser show is still at large, fearing public retribution.

Whatever be the body count, yesterday will remain forever etched in our collective memory as one heck of a black day, yeah baby. Oops sorry.

Our hearts go to bits thinking of what all we could have achieved in those fateful forty minutes we spent watching the ill fated laser show. Destinies could have been altered, history made. I could have bathed. Yet, an entire generation has perished in that freak accident. An entire batch of fachhas now live in eternal dread of the five lettered word (L.A.S.E.R). The scourge of technology in mismanaged techno-management festivals can not be highlighted better than through this tragic incident. The need of the hour is a serious over haul of safety procedures to be adopted in open to air auditoria, a rethink of the whole Kshitij idea and a general increased awareness of what damp squibs shows in KGP usually can be.

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