The Candy Saga

Note: This election season, a few journalists from The Scholars’ Avenue noticed that although, invariably always, there are more than two probable VP candidates, towards the end, almost every year, only two individuals end up contesting for the post. Irked with curiosity, they set out to find out what are the criteria that filters the final candidates contesting for the office. The following piece tries to highlight random findings during this pursuit. Lightheartedness is expected of the reader.  

 

‘The Candy Saga’ is a work of fiction. It really is. I swear.
*Earthquake*
THE CANDY SAGA

Circa March 2016 (during a hall day) Location: 22.32 North, 87.30 East (somewhere between MS Star Canteen and LLR Akram Canteen)

 

Candy walks into the room of The Wise Man and they greet nonchalantly. He takes out his diary and dusts it. The Wise Man clears his throat and a preach, which is about to transform *cough* Candy’s KGP life, starts.

The Wise Man: A candidate shall be patriotic for his hall.

Candy: But being the voice of the student body should have nothing to do with hall tempo, right?

The Wise Man: A candidate shall have utmost respect for the most productive ritual in the entirety of KGP, OP. (Candy recalls his sophomore year and almost moistens his eyes)

Candy (With a lump in his throat): Sir, people might ask a question similar to what I just asked. You didn’t answer.

The Wise Man: A candidate shall not listen to questions, he shall say whatever he can say swift and loud.

Candy: KGP is my country; all KGPians are my brothers and sisters…

The Wise Man: Proud of you, Candy boy. :’)

Candy: I’m starving; do you have something to eat?

The Wise Man: A candidate shall not eat anything in someone else’s room even if the other person is a close friend as he might get murdered by his own friend, or worse, people might do some defaming based on eating and thy pact shall be on the losing side.

Candy: Noted. But certain people believe that pacts may compromise democracy by biasing the electorate. What if such people interrogate regarding the utility of pacts?

The Wise Man: A candidate shall know that the pacts don’t exist when they shouldn’t.

Candy: What if they *The Wise Man interrupts*

The Wise Man: A candidate shall preferably be from the Big-4 societies as these student bodies have a lot of foot soldiers (as it happens when you need to handle enterprises, alumni or the big fests), which are needed for the dance of publicity that is succeeded by the march to victory. Also, the Big-4 influences the adhering to ‘The Pious Rule of Two’, other probable candidates becoming invisible as election nears.

Candy:  I’m proud that I chose *** when I was in my first year.

while(i<gazillion)

c(andy_sh)out <<“Big4 ka tempo high hai!”;

i += 1; }

*Pants Heavily*

Candy: I’m really nervous about the SOP mic-dancing though.

The Wise Man: A candidate shall perfect the art of mic-dancing. It represents the intimacy between a candidate and his SOP mic. Come, let us practice.

*Some Country Music plays as they move back and forth in front of a mic stand.*

Candy: I feel so confident now.

The Wise Man: A candidate shall never showcase confidence when he is in the Hall Gods’ Wing. They are the Gods with a capital G.

Candy: I know this one. In the last hall day, I went to one of the God’s room and they were offended by the way I breathe.

The Wise Man: A candidate shall have DC installed in his laptop. DC is the place where he shall find the Candy wisdom which he has to mug up.

Candy: Cool! DC’s been there on my laptop for a while.

The Wise Man: A candidate shall know that Mr. Groomy shall accompany him in his SOP and spoon feed the questions which have been practiced while grooming. He shall also watch his back when a tough question comes up by rephrasing the question in such a way that it becomes a different question altogether.

Candy (Tears in his eyes): I love Mr. Groomy!

The Wise Man: Candy boy, I think someone’s been hearing us all this time.

*The Wise Man walks to the window. The window slams shut right in the face of this reporter.*

 

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